Rand and the Three Gray Men
by Pop Weasel
Summary: Can Nynaeve and the others save Rand before it's too late? Or will they have to unleash their Super Weapon to rescue the Dragon Reborn.....sometimes I scare myself. :)
1. Housekeeping

Rand and the Three Gray Men  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Wheel of Time. Any characters being abused and tormented are Robert Jordan's. I will return them when I feel they have suffered enough. Hehehehe. Maybe I'll make them play the drinking game with me. ~Insert insane laughter~  
  
~Whooooohoooooooo~ a pop weasel's war cry  
  
Right, now that we have that done.....ONWARD!!!!!  
  
(Oh yeah, I'm taking literary license here. Have fear.)  
  
  
  
--Somewhere where Demandred is--  
  
Demandred had a idea.  
  
It was one of those spur of the moment-I-gotta-have-a-plan-because-my- boss-the-Dark One-is-breathing-down-my-neck-because-I-have-not-killed-the- Dragon-Reborn-yet idea. But it was still a idea.  
  
He needed a few Gray Men to pull this idea off, so he put in a call to the Bore and asked for their best--which meant their cheapest-Souless assassin.  
  
Unfortunately, due to a increased need for the Souless and budget cuts in the Blight, all that could be spared were three of the best-which meant cheapest-Gray Men, who were transported to Demandred by a gateway.  
  
The apparent leader of the trio listened very carefully to the Forsaken as he laid out his idea, which was so simple that a three day old Trolloc with half a brain could understand (as long as it *looked* like he was doing something useful, the Dark One would keep off his back) and perhaps with a little assistance, complete it.  
  
Demandred wasn't holding onto hope as he watched the Gray Men leave, but since it was technically work, he could write it off on his taxes.  
  
Bonus, he thought happily and proceded to kick back in a chair formed from Air and watch the big game in which the Seanchan Serpents played the Tanchico Tigers in the playoffs.  
  
Perhaps he'd call Moridin up later, just to rub it in.  
  
* * * *  
  
Rand al'Thor lounged on the Sun Throne, looking studly as ever and reading one of Min's books, when a knock on the throne room doors sounded.  
  
"If it's more Aes Sedai wishing to grovel at my feet, put them with the others." he ordered, not bothering to look up.  
  
"Housekeeping."  
  
Rand's eyebrows came up as he mouthed the words "housekeeping" in confusion.  
  
"Say what?" he asked, swinging his feet down off the throne's armrest and folding a page over in the book to mark his place.  
  
"Housekeeping."  
  
The Dragon Reborn looked at the door suspiciously and stood. "Uhhh, I never called for housekeeping...."  
  
"Housekeeping."  
  
"Got it." Rand said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "Come back later."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Silence you fool! You'll give us away!"  
  
Rand was now eyeing the doors and stepping towards them very slowly. If this was one of the Maiden's idea of a joke.......  
  
"Knock again, maybe he didn't hear us."  
  
"He heard us, he's just not answering the door."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Shut up idiot!" two voices snapped in unision. Rand tapped on the door gingerly. "What do you want?"  
  
"Oh! Oh! He heard us! He heard us! Good good, what next?"  
  
"Get him to open the door."  
  
A moment later: "Housekeeping."  
  
"Give me a break." Rand muttered and stalked back to the Sun Throne, picking up where he left off in the book. He was a good five pages farther into it when the knock sounded again.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Housekeeping."  
  
"Now."  
  
"Housekeeping."  
  
Rand decided then that if he was ever going to get this book finished in this reincarnation, he was going to have to tell these idiots to hit the road in person. He strode over to the doors and flung them open, preparing to give them a Unfolding The Fan enema.  
  
"What?" he snarled to the three nondescript men outside his door.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?" the shortest of the trio asked.  
  
"SULIN!!!" Rand roared. Before her whole name was shouted, the Maiden appeared around the corner with about twenty other Maidens right behind her.  
  
"What?" she asked, eyeing the trio of men evilly.  
  
"Show them the way out. The hard way." The Dragon Reborn ordered and returned to his throne and his book, not present to watch the Three Gray Housekeepers being tossed from the third story of the Sun Palace.  
  
  
  
Pop Weasel: Right, that was more of a prelude to the rest, just to get it going. It has no plot other than what is presented, so don't hold onto hope. Oh yeah, and the Tigers beat the Serpents at a score of 67-38. GO TIGERS!!!!!!  
  
Stay turned for more madness. 


	2. Three Souless in Maidens Clothing

Rand and the Three Gray Men  
  
"A Souless in Maidens Clothing"  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything Wheel of Time. Chalalalalalala. Don't own'um, never will. Chalalalalala. Am taking my pills now. Bye bye.  
  
  
  
----Where Demandred is at----  
  
Demandred was in a foul mood, even fouler when he was trapped in the Bore with Lanfear and the endless question "Does this dress make me look fat?"  
  
"Housekeeping? HOUSEKEEPING!!?? You insipid IDIOTS! You bumbling FOOLS!!! You wretched CRETINS!! You ignorant SODS!!! HOUSEKEEPING!!!!!" the Forsaken ranted, pacing around the bruised and bandaged Gray Men.  
  
"If I may say sir......" the tallest of the trio said timidly. His name is Zipper for clarity's sake.  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Yes sir." Zipper said dejectedly.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?" asked the shortest of the trio. We'll call him Bluebell.  
  
Demandred ignored him. Bluebell had never been the same after Semirhage used him the last time.  
  
"You will try agian." the Forsaken ordered coldly, pointing to the gateway he formed.  
  
"Yes sir." the middle Souless said smartly and scuttled through the gateway. Zipper sighed. Nannygoat had always been a brownnoser.  
  
* * * *  
  
Rand lounged happily in his bathtub after a long day of making Aes Sedai grovel at his feet, taking over different countries and generally causing havoc in the world at large, when there was a knock on his door.  
  
He opened one gray eye, giving the door a evil look.  
  
"If it's those Aes Sedai that put me in the box, just have them whipped fifty more times and dragged behind Lan's horse and we'll call it even."  
  
"Maidens of the Spear."  
  
Both gray eyes opened. "Say what?"  
  
"Maidens of the Spear.  
  
Rand's brow furrowed in confusion. He quickly got out of the tub and dressed, walking to the door.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"Maidens of the Spear."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Silence you ignorant sod! You'll give us away!"  
  
Rand shook his head in disbelief. Some people.  
  
"You think he believes us?"  
  
"Knock again."  
  
"We'll get him this time."  
  
Again, the knock sounded and Rand flung open the door, his jaw nearly hitting the floor at the sight before him: three nondescript men, wearing a Maidens cadin'sor--(I can't get the BLEEPING italics to work!!Gaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!--)  
  
"Are you the Dragon Reborn?"  
  
"Are you wearing women's clothing?"  
  
"We asked you first."  
  
"It depends. Why are you wearing women's clothing?"  
  
The middle one stood up proudly. "We're here to kidnap----I mean protect the Dragon Reborn. Are you him?"  
  
Rand shook his head. "Try the second door on the left, third floor. It's by the really big windows."  
  
The tallest one beamed at him "Thank you sir." And they scurried away up the stairs.  
  
When they had rounded the corner, Rand stepped one foot out of the door and bellowed "SULIN!!"  
  
The Maiden, and two of her spear-sisters, poked their heads around the corner, clothless because someone had stolen their cadin'sor.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You want your cloths back?"  
  
"Very much so Car'a'carn."  
  
"On the third floor, second door on the left. By the really big windows."  
  
The Maiden nodded.  
  
Rand went to return to his bath, only faintly hearing the sounds of glass shattering as the Souless in Maidens clothing were booted out the third floor of the Sun Palace.  
  
Chalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. That's Weaselese for "Chalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala" 


	3. Telemarketing Scams

Whoooooooohoooooooo~ a pop weasel's war cry  
  
Disclaimer-Chalalala. I don't own Wheel of Time. Blahblahblah. RJ is the Creator!!!!!!! Oh yeah, I've been spelling Soulless wrong. Bad Weasel, BAD!!!!  
  
ONWARD!!!  
  
~^--^~  
  
* *  
  
+ a pop weasel. Sorry. Had to do it. Chalalalalala.  
  
  
  
Chapter Three-Telemarketing Scams  
  
PG-13 for language this time kiddies. hehehe. The good, harmless kind of bad language.  
  
  
  
----Where Demandred is---  
  
  
  
"IDIOTS!!! FOOLS!!! STUPID SONS OF A ONE-LEGGED TEAR COURTESAN!!!!!! IGNORANT DONKEYS!!! YOU CALL YOURSELVES SOULLESS? I'VE SEEN TROLLOCS DO BETTER!!!!!!" Demandred ranted. To make things worse, the Tigers had lost to the Tar Valon Tinkers that day.  
  
"But you see sir--" Zipper, in a neck brace and his arm in a sling, began only to have a gag of Air jammed into his mouth.  
  
"SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Demandred bellowed, shaking loose shingles as far away as Two Rivers. The three Gray Men cowered down.  
  
"Third times a charm sir." a very beated Nannygoat chimed in hesitantly. Zipper nodded eagerly.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?" Bluebell added, he bounces, not breaks.  
  
Demandred paced, glared, paced, scowled, paced, spit, paced, then opened another gateway for the bruised and bandaged Gray Men.  
  
"FINE-----Fine. Try again. And again and again and again if needed but I WILL HAVE THE DRAGON REBORN FOR THE DARK LORD BEFORE THE SUPERBOWL!!! IS THAT CLEAR!!!"  
  
"Sir yes sir!!" Nannygoat shouted and sprinted through the doorway with the others in tow.  
  
  
  
Rand was happily eating dinner in private(Light forbid he be able to have a meal without Min using him as a chair) and thinking about all the countries he had taken over and would be taking over the next day and how he was going to smash the Dark One into goushy mush in the Last Battle, when the phone rang. (A/N: duh, I know they don't have phones in Randland, I had it installed last Tuesday for them. I am their new Creator, for I have brought them.....Internet. hahahahahahahahahah!!!)  
  
He reached over and picked it up on the fourth ring. "This is me. Oh yeah, you remember those Aes Sedai who put me in the box? Fifty more lashes, dragged behind Lan's horse, AND make them run laps around the Sun Palace until dawn. Then I might think about calling it even."  
  
"Hello? Have we called at a bad time? This is B&T, Bore and Taint phone services, I was wondering if you would like to switch---"  
  
Rand hung up and resumed eating.  
  
The phone rang again.  
  
He picked it up.  
  
"---to us from your current server--"  
  
Rand hung up and resumed eating.  
  
The phone rang again.  
  
He picked it up.  
  
"--because--"  
  
"You called at a bad time. Try me later." Rand said and heard the voices on the other end say:  
  
"Burn you you fool, I told you not to say that, give me that thing!"  
  
"HEY!!! Leggo! MINE!!  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
Rand hung up and resumed eating.  
  
The phone rang again.  
  
"Light does it not end?" he wailed and picked up the phone.  
  
"Hello? This is your local Dark Lord representative, I was wonder if you would like to surrender to him now, or----"  
  
Rand hung up and bellowed, "SULIN!!!"  
  
The white-haired Maiden poked her head in the door. "Yes Car'a'carn?"  
  
"Answer the phone when it rings. You know what to do."  
  
The phone rang.  
  
Rand kept eating.  
  
Sulin answered the phone and blew a police whistle into the speaking end as hard as she could.  
  
The sounds of glass shatering as the telemarketers jumped from the third story of the inn they were staying in could be heard on the other end.  
  
Rand kept eating.  
  
Chalalalalalala. Having fun yet? 


	4. Trick or Treat

Chapter 4--Trick or Treat  
  
  
  
Whoooooohoooooo  
  
Disclaimer--Sigh, just for the sake of not being sued, I don't own anything Wheel of Time.  
  
  
  
----Where Demandred is----  
  
"Just when I think you can't get any MORE idiotic, just when I think you MIGHT start to preceive a HINT of intelligence, just when I think that you might ACTUALLY tire of being thwarted---YOUEXPECT ME TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE TO PROVE THAT YOU HAVE THE BRAINS OF A BLOCK OF MOLDERING CHEESE!!!!!! YOU WRETCHED EXCUSES FOR SOULLESS!!! YOU BUMBLING SOTS! YOU WITLESS INFANTS!! YOU DELUDED DUNCES! MORONS!! I SHOULD HAVE SENT A FADE!!! AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE DECENCY TO DIE WHEN THEY LOSE!!!!!!!"  
  
Zipper raised a casted hand. It was signed with the various signatures of the other Forsaken, a big heart with Semirhage's name in the center dominated the upper section. "If I may sir--"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
Demandred glared at Bluebell darkly, then glanced at the clock on the wall next to him. Damn, the game was about to start. The Tigers verses the Golden Cranes.  
  
"Fine." the Forsaken muttered, weaving a gateway. "Try again."  
  
"Right sir!" Nannygoat cheered. "I know just the plan."  
  
  
  
---Somewhere in Andor---  
  
Mat was lounging on the sofa watching the big game (Cranes were winnning) on his new big screen and munching happily on some Jiffy Pop, when the doorbell rang.  
  
Thinking it was the take-out he had ordered, he answered the door.  
  
"How much do I owe.................you? What in the Pit of Doom are you?"  
  
"Trick or Treat."  
  
"Say what?"  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Trick or Treat--"  
  
"I don't swing that way man." Mat said suspiciously. He didn't drink THAT much, did he?  
  
The tallest of the nondescript trio (each of which was dressed to represent a member of Rand's harem) looked at him through a mess of redish hair.  
  
"Wait a minute. Is this the Stone of Tear?"  
  
"Uhhhhhh. No."  
  
"And you're not the Dragon Reborn?"  
  
"Nope. Sounder of the Horn."  
  
"See! I told you we were at the wrong address." Nannygoat chimed in.  
  
"Very sorry about that sir." Zipper apologized, and he and the other two scurried back into the shadows.  
  
Mat watched them go, a confused expression on his totally handsome, charming and cute face. He frowned.  
  
"HEY!!!! WHERE'S MY DAMN TAKE-OUT??!!"  
  
  
  
---Stone of Tear---  
  
Rand relaxed in his room after a hard day of terrorizing nobles and making people faint and such with his demands, thinking up new ways he could cause havoc and take over a few more countries, when there was a knock on his door.  
  
"If it's those Aes Sedai who put me in a box, fifty lashes, dragged behind Lan's horse, laps around the palace AND they have to shine the buttons on all of my coats, and I MIGHT consider calling it even."  
  
"Trick or Treat."  
  
Rand raised an eyebrow. "Say what?"  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Silence you fool!"  
  
Rand frowned for one brief moment, considered that Sulin was on break , and strode ot the door, not really surprised at the sight of three nondescript men wearnig startlingly good costumes of his harem. Min was downright creepy.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Trick or Treat."  
  
"Riiiiiggghhhhhttt." Rand said uncertainly. These people were seriously freaking him out.  
  
"Do we have the right address?" Nannygoat asked Zipper after consulting his directions.  
  
"I dunno. Ask him." Zipper answered, looking at Rand.  
  
"Where would we find the Dragon Reborn? We really need to kidnap---I mean ask him a question."  
  
Rand considered this, and the fact that Sulin was still on break, and scribbled down a set of directions on a sheet of paper, handing it to the tallest of them.  
  
"Thanks sir!" Nannygoat said happily.  
  
"Hope you find him." Rand offered and slammed the door, swearing never to let Sulin go on break again.  
  
  
  
---Two Rivers---  
  
Perrin opened his door when some mutant idiot knocked on it at one in the morning, bleary eyed and squinting at the three nondescript men on his front porch who were oddly wearing some sort of costume that made them look like members of Rand's harem.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Trick or Treat."  
  
"Uhhhhhh-----"  
  
"Are you the Dragon Reborn?"  
  
"--uhhhhhhhhh----"  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"----uhhhhh---"  
  
Perrin looked at them, glared, thought about calling the wolves, thought of something even better.  
  
"FAILE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Perrin returned to sleep, not present to witness Faile drop kicking those weirdos off his porch and into a sticker patch filled with poison ivy. 


	5. UPS

Chapter 5 or UPS  
  
Disclaimer--Idon'townthemortheWheelofTime. Mountain Dew is a good thing.  
  
A/N: Sorry this one took so long--three days?!--to post. I've been working on my grand and epic fantasy novel (right) and just kinda threw it together. And so some certain people wouldn't kill me. Behold the power of the reviewer. Fear them.  
  
  
  
---Where Demandred is---  
  
The Cranes had beat the Tigers by a landslide, and our favorite Forsaken was not in a good mood. (Oh gee, YA THINK!?) Not to mention that his Gray Men had come back after once more being maimed by the particularly violent women that seemed to inhabit Randland.  
  
"IDIOTS! BRAINLESS BLOCKS OF FUNGUS COVERED FESTERING CHEESE!!! (How does cheese fester you ask. Well don't. It's not pretty.) MORONS! MOLDY BREAD HAS MORE BRAINS THAN YOU THREE PUT TOGETHER! YOU BASTARD CATFISH'S!!"  
  
"Uhhh sir---" Nannygoat began. He was now pink, due to a chemical imbalance that happened on contact with the poison ivy.  
  
"SILENCE!!!!!!"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Demandred forced himself to take a looooooonnnnnggggg deep breath so as not to murder his cohorts, and actually felt better. Better enough to give his mentally challenged associates another chance.  
  
"You will try again."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"No you fool, I want the Dragon Reborn's head on a platter! And do something about that damnable pink!" the Forsaken roared. Nannygoat shrank back.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"GO!!"  
  
--Sun Palace--  
  
Rand was sitting in his throne room, reading a letter from Mat. Apparently some freaks dressed as Min and Co. came to his door and stole his take-out. Rand found this amusing except for the fact that he had yet to recieve one from Perrin and wondered if either the weirdos had succeded in kidnapping the former blacksmith or that crazy wife of his had booted them to the Blight.  
  
He was more incline to believe that Faile had taken care of it.  
  
That worried him greatly.  
  
What if she found out he had sent them?  
  
He'd better beef up security.  
  
He was finishing the letter from Mat, when a knock on the door sounded.  
  
"If it's those Aes Sedai that put me in the box, tell them fifty more lashes, dragged behind Lan's horse, laps around the palace till dawn, shine the buttons on all of my coats, and tell them to mop all the floors of the palace. With a toothbrush. Then I might consider calling it even."  
  
"UPS."  
  
"I didn't order anything."  
  
"Yes you did."  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"You didn't order anything?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Five minutes passed, then another knock.  
  
"UPS."  
  
Rand glared at the door.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"I need a signature first."  
  
"But I didn't order anything."  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"Silence you idiot!"  
  
Rand sighed.  
  
"Fine, I'll sign. Give me a minute."  
  
"OH! He's going to open the door, do you have the platter?"  
  
Rand shuddered and climbed out the window, over to the next room, and jumped in. Sulin and her spear-sister loked up at his arrival.  
  
"I need a favor." Rand asked.  
  
--Five minutes later--  
  
The door to the throne room opened up slowly.  
  
The Three Gray Men cheered, right until Sulin poked her head out.  
  
"RUN FOR YOUR UNLIVES!!!" Nannygoat screamed and headed for the third floor, where a minute later the sounds of breaking glass could be heard.  
  
Sulin shook her head and called Rand. "They take all the fun out of it."  
  
"Yeah, oh yeah, don't bother fixing the window this time, and move the fertilizer pile, you know where." 


	6. Could It Be! Oh No!!! A Cliffhanger!!!...

Chapter 6--Could it be! NOOOOOOO!!! Not a CLIFFHANGER!!!  
  
Disclaimer--yeah yeah. I don't own the Wheel of Time or any of the characters I'm currently tormenting.  
  
Author's Note--Sigh, sorry it took so long to post, but I was working on one of my Star Wars fics and had to acheive a certain level of humorless thinking to accomplish this. That or I'm just lying to you, but I can't lie because I'm a Weasel. But I'm really not a Weasel, so I just lied to you, so that means I can lie, so you'll never know why it took so long to write this. Hehehe.  
  
Right then.........  
  
OH. Nynaeve Sedai, my humble apologies if I have inadvertently plagerized. If you believe I have done so, I will revise that portion of the fic, just say the word. I really had no idea if I did so, and it was about one in the morning when I wrote it. Sorry.  
  
  
  
--Where Demandred is--  
  
This was far past any tolerable insult. It was beyond any ranting, raving, screaming fit that he could find the energy to muster. He couldn't find to words to describe the rage and anger he felt.  
  
Aaaaaannnnnyyyyyyy minute now...........  
  
RING! RING! RING! (I already told you, I installed phones for the people of Randland, and that includes to Forsaken. Their people too!)  
  
Demandred looked at the phone in utter anguish. Why him? Why now? Why was it when there was so much at stake......  
  
He reluctantly picked up the phone.  
  
Moridin's smug voice greeted him at the other end. "DEMANDRED!!! Did you watch the game?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Great show, great show! Those Cranes put up a grand fight, but nobody has ever beat the White Tower Warders. Did you see the score?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What was that..........45 to 50?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You bet rather heavily on the Cranes, didn't you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
There was a pause, then the other Forsaken went on cheerfully. "Oh, it can't be that bad. Besides, I'm sure the Great Lord will be willing to front you any money you might owe, seeing how he's such a Crane fan too. And if you have the Dragon Reborn by now....."  
  
~grunt~  
  
Moridin paused again. "Uhhh.....Demandred? You DO have the Dragon Reborn.....don't you?"  
  
~grunt~  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Work in progress." Demandred clarified darkly. He needed a drink. (Of Mountain Dew of course!)  
  
"Oh.....well....I'll let you go. Must call up dear Cyndane and see how she's taking it. She was so rooting for the Cranes.....ta ta."  
  
Son of a Seanchan! He'd completely forgotten about that bloody Dragon Reborn! The Great bloody Lord was going to bloody gentle him! Or worse! Cut off his ESPN and his cable! Blood and bloody ashes!  
  
"ZIPPER!!!!!!!!!!" he bellowed. "GET YOUR USELESS SOULLESS SELF IN HERE!!!!"  
  
The lead Gray Man darted into the room, his brainless cohorts tumbling along beside him into the main room.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Demandred glared at him. Splotches of pink lotion dotted the non- descript Soulless. Hardly what he needed to pull this off, but he had rented them for another four days and he might as well get whatever he could out of them.  
  
"I am giving you and your braindead companions one, ONE, more chance. If you fail me......I'LL HAVE YOU ALL DOING KITCHEN DUTY IN THE BLIGHT FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY DO I MAKE MYSELF LOUD AND CLEAR YOU BUMBLING TOADSKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"SIR YES SIR!!!" Nannygoat and Zipper shouted in unision.  
  
"YA WANNA PICKLE!!!" Bluebell yelled.  
  
They all loked at him strangely. He shrugged.  
  
"THEN ONWARD!!" Demandred roared and wove a gateway to the Sun Palace.  
  
--The Sun Palace--  
  
Rand al'Thor, the almighty Dragon Reborn, lounged happily on his throne, reading the sports page of the Sun Times and thinking about going to collect his winnings from Rhuarc, who had bet rather heavily on the Cranes and was currently trying to drown himself in a bottle of oosquai.  
  
He got up and went to the door, but the sound of voices from the other side stopped him cold.  
  
His new "security alarm" was going at it again.  
  
"--NOT SCREAMING AT YOU AL'LAN MANDRAGORAN I AM NOT SCREAMING BECAUSE I AM NOT ANGRY--!!!!!!"  
  
Lan's relpy was low, but Rand got the general idea.  
  
"I'M NOT BELLOWING!!" Nynaeve roared.  
  
Rand rethought that route. It wouldn't be worth it. But it did keep those pesky weirdos from batternig on his door at all hours.  
  
So he was trapped in his rooms again, with nothing be the paper and that letter from Perrin that said some freaks dressed as his harem had come to his house the other night asking for the Dragon Reborn and wanted to know if he had anything to do with it. Faile was rather eager to know.  
  
He ambled over to the window to look out at the gloomy day and made a face, suddenly his eyes went wide.  
  
Someone was using saidin!  
  
That's when the gateway opened up behind him and three rathr non-escript Gray Men tumbled out, followed by a stranger that Rand knew even with his eyes closed.  
  
"Demandred!" he gasped.  
  
Then all went black.  
  
--Outside the throne room--  
  
Sulin was tapping her foot impatiently on the floor, wanting nothing more than to smack someone. Lan and Nynaeve had apologized and were snuggling with each other in the corner.  
  
"YA WANNA PICKLE!!" a voice yelled from niside the throne room, followed by cheerful whoops and a hard, male voice snapping for them to be silent.  
  
RAND!!  
  
Sulin sprang forward, her spears raised and barreled into the room.......  
  
Nothing.  
  
Nynaeve and Lan, followed by more Maidens, poured into the room.  
  
"He's gone!" said one of the younger Maidens.  
  
~Light curse that man!~ Sulin seethed. Now she'd NEVER get her raise.  
  
"We have to find him!" Nynaeve exclaimed and rushed out to call the only people in Randland who could possible aid them in this horrible time.  
  
--Somewhere in Ebou Dar--  
  
RING RING RING RING!!  
  
He picked up the phone lazily.  
  
Nynaeve's voice on the other end. "MAT!"  
  
Mat yelped and nearly slammed it back down.  
  
"Rand's been kidnapped! Get to the Sun Palace as fast as you can!" Miss- High-and-Mighty ordered.  
  
Leaving him sputtering at the phone. "You can't.....you....but.....huh?"  
  
"Now Matrim! Rand needs you!"  
  
"You can't make me just pack up and head to--"  
  
"Ohhhhhh piglet........."  
  
Mat paused, rethought his situation.  
  
"I'll be there as fast as I can." he told Nynaeve and bolted to find his horse before Tylin could catch him.  
  
--Somewhere in Two Rivers--  
  
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!  
  
Perrin looked over at the wolf that stood in his doorway. "What is it Fastwind?"  
  
Fastwind, which really meant "the way the breeze played through the leaves on the trees and grass in the time when spring and summer met" howled again and dropped the cell phone on the floor before barking at him.  
  
Perrin sniffed the phone before his answered it, not liking the way it smelled. "Hello?"  
  
"PERRIN!"  
  
He yelped and clutched his ear, glaring at the phone darkly.  
  
"Rand's been kidnapped!" Nynaeve explained loudly. "Get to the Sun Palace as fast as you can!"  
  
Perrin raised a eyebrow. "Did I hear a "please" in that....."  
  
"NOW YOU WOOLHEAD MAN!!" she shouted and hung up. Perrin shrugged, heard Faile come busting in the back door, bellowing for him, and looked at Fastwind.  
  
"Call the others! They've snared Shadowkiller!"  
  
Fastwind set up a long howl and sprang to the forest.  
  
  
  
Oh my God! Did the Three Gray Men really get Rand? Did Demandred at last take matters into his own hands? Will Mat and Perrin save the day? Will Sulin get her raise? Stay tuned! 


	7. The Ter'angreal Of Absolutely Painfully ...

Chapter 7--The Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death!  
  
Disclaimer--Whooohoooo! The Wheel of Time is property of Robert Jordan, alas, not mine. ~sob~  
  
The end is drawing near people. I want to finish another one of my fics before I do another Wheel of Time, but we have not (regrettably) seen the last of Pop Weasel's insanity.  
  
And I know it's been FOREVER since I updated, blame it on the epic fantasy novel I'm working on. And can you believe that one of my friends doesn't like the Wheel of Time? Said she couldn't get through the first chapter. Just plain crazy if you ask me.  
  
Riiiiiight.  
  
  
  
--Where Demandred is---  
  
At long last! The Dragon Reborn was in his fiendish clutches! All his just rewards would be paid in full! All of those fools who dare raise the Dragon banner would tremble at his name! No one would dare stop him now, nothing could possible extiquish this little bubble of triumph.......except for the fact that the White Tower Warders were beating the Bore Bulldogs at the score of 19-16 last quarter.  
  
He'd just have to deal with the WTW when he was finished with the Dragon Reborn.  
  
Demandred sauntered over to the afore mentioned reincarnated savior/destroyer with a gleeful grin.  
  
Then.....  
  
RING RING RING RING!  
  
Thrice curse that wretched abomination!  
  
RING RING RING RING!  
  
"Answer it!" the Forsaken bellowed to Zipper. The Gray Man darted to the phone.  
  
Demandred turned back to a bound and gagged Rand, who was sitting on a odd, chair-like stone that fairly oozed of evilness.  
  
"Well well well. The mighty Dragon Reborn...."  
  
Zipper tapped him on the shoulder. "It's for you."  
  
Demandred snatched up the phone. "What? Oh.......sorry Moridin...........yes he's here........well, he's a little tied up at the moment.......right....that's wonderful!...........I'm so glad your team is winning........who did I bet on......well the Bulldogs of course........yes.........I will convey that message.....goodbye."  
  
He handed it back o Zipper. "Unplug it. If that gibbering twit want to gloat, he can call Cyndane."  
  
"Yes Sir!"  
  
He looked at Rand, who was craning his neck to look all around him. "Where were we?"  
  
"Zaa ighte Agon Eborn." Rand said around the gag.  
  
"Right, thanks. Oh yes, Moridin says he wants to thank you for signing him up on that wireless plan, it's saving him a bundle."  
  
Rand shrugged.  
  
"Anyway.......right to the point before your friends burst through and ruin my plans yet again.....do you know what you are sitting on?  
  
Rand shook his head. "Ahh hair?"  
  
"No you fool!" Demandred laughed. "It is the Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death!"  
  
Nannygoat and Zipper wowed respectfully.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?" (Translation--cool.)  
  
"Exactly!" Demandred exclaimed. "In less than ten minutes, I will channel into the Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death and turn you into a pile of smoldering, jelly-like ashes that quiver at the sound of my voice........then I shall put you in a jar and sent you to Moridin as a celebratory present for his luck at gambling so that perhaps he will hork up his guts and wither and die in his Lazy Boy during the Super Bowl..........or something to that affect."  
  
"Ut I en ten inutes?" Rand asked in confusion.  
  
"Because I want to finish the game, the breakers can't handle the Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death's power output and it would blow up the big screen."  
  
"eh."  
  
"Would you like something to drink? I have Coke......" (Ahhh! VILE COKE- SLURPERS!!!!)  
  
"O Anks."  
  
Demandred settled down on his armchair. "See you in ten minutes. hehehehe."  
  
  
  
-----Sun Palace---  
  
"Alright men." Nynaeve snapped, slapping the table in the throne room aka the command center with a burst of Air. "We have seen the enemy, and he is strong."  
  
Mat raised his hand. "Isn't this where you say, "But we are stronger."  
  
"No."  
  
"Just checking."  
  
Sulin pointed a spear at the diagram that Nynaeve had drawn up. "We will invade the Forsaken's strong hold, after cutting off his power and cable lines to distract him and possible divide his forces, enabling our strike team to infiltrate and and rescue Rand. Questions?"  
  
Fastwind whimpered and covered her eyes with her paws and two Maidens and six Aes Sedai carefully brought in a very large iron wrapped box big enough to fit several people from which loud shrieks and snarls emitted from.  
  
Nynaeve pointed to the box after Sulin sat down. "We open this box only if we are sure to lose, for it contains our last resort, inside is enough destructive powers to doom us all. Clear?"  
  
"Yes ma'am." came the chorus.  
  
The former Wisdom proceded to open a gateway that would take them to the monsters lair.  
  
----Where Demandred is----  
  
~The game has tied, and it is in the final minutes of overtime, when the power snaps off~  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Demandred howled.  
  
The three Gray Men scampered back as the Forsaken stalked over to Rand and the Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death. "YOU!! YOU DID THIS!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh dear! Will Rand die! Will the strike force get there in time? Did the Warders beat the Bulldogs?! Stay tuned! 


	8. The Box of Last Resort Before Absolute I...

Chapter Eight--The Box Of Last Resort Before Absolute Impending Doom!! Bwahahahahah!  
  
Author's Note: This one will be a tad short, mainly because I want it to end, because it's driving me crazy, bwahahahahahah. I love Rand, I love Wheel of Time (if perhaps I could combine Rand, Lloyd and Lavitz from Legend of Dragoon, Corran Horn from the X-Wing novels, and Legolas from LoTR, I would have the hottest man alive.) Uhhhhhh, ignore that. ~giggle~ Is this the last chapter? Is it the last of this insanity?! Could it be! No. Bwahahahahaha! For your information , I have decided to subject you all to MORE. Next up to be tormented is either Mat or Perrin! Bwahahahaha! (Sounds like a evil person upchucking, cool :)  
  
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Wheel of Time. There I said it, now it's done, let's kick the @$$ of the Dark One.  
  
Wait for it.  
  
Wait for it.  
  
Almost there.........  
  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
---Where Demandred is---  
  
"THIS IS YOUR DOING!!!!!" Demandred bellowed, waving his hands in the air wildly. "I'LL HAVE YOUR EYES YOU FOOLSIH REINCARNATED CHAMPION OF THE CREATOR!!!!"  
  
Rand raised an eyebrow. (hehe...eyebrows.....hehehe)  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?" yelled Bluebell. (translation: kill him now!!)  
  
Demandred ripped the gag out of the Dragon Reborn's mouth. "There! Now the world will here you're every scream!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"  
  
The Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death began to hum and glow demonically as the Forsaken started to channel into it.  
  
Then the doors leading into the room blew off their hinges, allowing the great Nynaeve to stride in and throw out a halting hand. "STOP!"  
  
"Yeah." Lan chimed in. "You tell him mashiara."  
  
The MOST AWESOME Aes Sedai in the entire world turned to her husband and beamed. "Oh Lan....that's so sweet."  
  
"Not as sweet as you my love."  
  
(Author's Note: Yes, I know they don't act like that. It's late and I'm running on sugar and orange scented candles...hmmmmmm....tasty.)  
  
Nynaeve giggled while Demandred stopped, hands raised witha look of disgusted confusion that mirrored Rand's.  
  
"Oh for the love of dice!" Mat exclaimed and pushed past Nynaeve. "We need him back. I'm gonna give you to the count of five..."  
  
"INSOLENT HUMAN!!!" the Forsaken roared and turned his attention to Mat, who dove behind Perrin, who dove behind Nynaeve.  
  
The battle of wills clashed as Aes Sedai met Forsaken. Saidar tangled with saidin and the fight was on.  
  
"Somebody wanna get me out of here?" Rand asked plantivily.  
  
The Gray Men ran amok with the Maiden of the Spear and the Warders of the Aes Sedai until.... "PICKLES!!!" Bluebell screamed and launched himself at Mat.  
  
"The hell with you." the gambling ultra hottie declared and kicked open the lid to the Box Of Last Resort Before Absolute Impending Doom.  
  
"NO MAT!" Nynaeve screamed and dove for cover as the keening skrieks of those imprisoned with in the Of Last Resort Before Absolute Impending Doom rose in triumph.  
  
"Ehhh.....crap." Mat said.  
  
The Daughter of the Nine Moons flew from the large box, her bat wings flapping madly as she cackled in insane glee.  
  
"I'm supposed to MARRY her?"  
  
"Anytime here people!" Rand called.  
  
Next from the box was a fairly p!$$ed off Faile, who had been jammed in when it was found that there was extra space. "PERRIN!!!! I'M GONNA BOOT YOU TO THE BLIGHT!!"  
  
"Run for my life!" cried the blacksmith, and he jumped away and ran around the battle with Fastwind at his heels.  
  
And last but not least, the most horrible of them all. The Daughter Heir of Andor leapt from the box, a evil smile on her face.  
  
"Guardian Force Tuon!" Nynaeve called, "Attack!"  
  
And Tuon dove, screaming happily. Zipper screamed as well before the GF smashed into him, driving them both into the wall.  
  
"Elayne!" Rand cried happily.  
  
"Rand!" she returned in joy, her eyes narrowing in on Demandred.  
  
"$h!t." the Forsaken groaned. "All I wanted to do was watch the game and kill the Dragon."  
  
In the background, Tuon chewed Bluebell's ears off while Nannygoat was being beat over the head by Sulin's spear.  
  
"COVER YOUR EARS!!!" Lan shouted and took cover behind the Lazy-Boy.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle!" (translation: I don't have any ears!)  
  
Elayne fixed her skirts prettily and held her head up high.  
  
"Creator save us." Mat prayed and hopped behind the big-screen. "Not that!"  
  
A huge exhale of air from the Daughter Heir......then........  
  
"SONIC SNIFF!" she yelled and let loose. The sonic waves of the super weapon crashed through the Forsaken's stronghold, destroying all in its path.  
  
Demandred let loose with a wail and spun a quick Gateway, running for his life before the entire place caved in on them.  
  
The Gray Men just screamed.  
  
When the terror had ceased and Elayne's super weapon could no longer go on, the rescuers rose from their cover to survey the destrustion, awed by the power of Elayne's nose.  
  
"Now you see why I had to marry ALL of them." Rand muttered. "Bloody nose, bloody knives, bloody spears."  
  
Tuon screamed in dispair before the call of the Box Of Last Resort Before Absolute Impending Doom sent her hurtling back inside. Mat slammed the lid shut and quickly sat on it, whistling innocently.  
  
Nynaeve dusted off her dress. "Well, now let us return to the Pun Palace and return the Box Of Last Resort Before Absolute Impending Doom back to K- Mart before the warrenty runs out."  
  
"Ouch! Faile! I didn't put you in the box! Owwww!"  
  
They turned to leave until a high whistle stopped them. They turned as one.  
  
Rand blew a strand of hair from his eyes in exasperation. "Did we forget something?" he asked, still tied to the Ter'angreal of Absolutely Painfully Horrible Agonizing Wretched Death.  
  
Nynaeve snapped her fingers. "The Gray Men!" she exclaimed and spun on them.  
  
"We surrender." Zipper and Nannygoat cried in unision. Bluebell squeaked.  
  
"Burn them." Faile hissed.  
  
"Hang them from the towers at the palace by their toes." suggested Sulin.  
  
"Eat them!" Tuon's muffed cry came from the box. Mat smacked the side of it with a borrowed spear. "Silence!" he ordered.  
  
"Uhhhhh.....I got an idea...." Perrin suggested.  
  
"Impliment it at once." Nynaeve said and wrapped the Gray Men in bands of Air to haul them away with them.  
  
"Hellllloooo." Rand called. "Still tied to the chair."  
  
Sulin jogged back. "I'll handle this. Go on." she informed the others.  
  
When they remained alone, Sulin placed one foot on the lip of the chair and leaned down. Rand raised a eyebrow.  
  
"About that raise......" the Maiden began.  
  
--Where Demandred is---  
  
He hadn't killed the Dragon AND the White Tower Warders won the big game. Moridin was going to gloat for sure, this couldn't get any worse. Well, at least he was rid of those Soulless idiots.  
  
He rose form his spare Lazy-Boy in the second secret stronghold he had and ambled to the kitchen, grabbing something to drink from the fridge....when the doorbell rang.  
  
The Forsaken's eyebrow rose.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK  
  
Who in the Blight could that be?  
  
He went to the front door and opened it carefully.  
  
"Ya wanna pickle?"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
~grins~ The End. For now. It was short, but blah, it's late. Next up......Perrin and the Three Whitecloaks. Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!! 


End file.
